It’s not fanfiction unless their tongues battle for dominance.
AND BEFORE YOU GET MAD, fanfiction is in many ways leaps and bounds ahead of, say, the way sex is portrayed in some TV shows and movies. I've read some incredible fic that was realistic AND hot, so I'm not a naysayer. THAT SAID, there are a lot of time-honored and cringey tropes that pop up time and again, AND I WANT TO LAUGH ABOUT THEM.
No one ever needs lube and when they do, they use a RIDICULOUS replacement for it.
Spit. Lotion that's conveniently on the bedside table right when it's time to do the do. Sometimes even precum, since apparently THAT'S ENOUGH TO GET THINGS GOING. And that's only the "normal" shit — fic authors get hella creative. Like, pizza-grease-up-your-butt creative.
Fx / Via buzzfeed.com
People always forget to use condoms because they're too turned on and not thinking straight. But no worries; there are never any consequences!!
STOP EROTICIZING BEING TOO HORNY TO PRACTICE SAFE SEX.
WE tv / Via giphy.com
Tongues "battling for dominance." Enough said.
Are the tongues clashing together like swords?
dallasisbroke / RedBubble / Via redbubble.com
There is no normal everyday sex. Everyone is always either ravaging someone or tenderly making love.
It seems festive for sex to be such an EVENT all the time, but oh my god isn't it exhausting??? Where's the goofy sex? Where's the normal everyday get in, get out sex? Sometimes you just gotta get off without all the emotional fanfare!
And there's no...bad sex. Ever.
Fic is fantasy fulfillment, YES, but if it's not PWP and you're actually tryna show some relationship development, maybe you should show some bad and awkward sex!!!
—Sherri Maine, Facebook
~Losing virginity~ is made into a really big romantic deal.
More often than not, one or both characters having sex for the first time is a HUGE CLIMAX (lol) of the plot, which wouldn't be such a big deal if First Time Ever Sex wasn't treated as inherently more romantic and special than Sex When You've Had Sex Before. VIRGINITY IS A CONSTRUCT, PEOPLE.
FOX / Via glee.wikia.com
And the hymen is treated like this ~magical virginity seal~ that breaks and causes a lot of bleeding, when THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
Why's that a plot point in the first place, dude?
truTV / Via youtube.com
Virgins always transform from demure innocents to total sex gods IMMEDIATELY.
Because are you really a worthy protagonist if you don't have an immediate natural knack for boning?
Nickelodeon / Via gifimage.net
People with vaginas get off from penetration alone all the time, which...lol.
*whispers* Remember the clitoris.
A lot of the time, the sex positions described are PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
Like, two people go at it doggy style, but somehow manage to get some nipple licking and kissing in there. Are y'all fucking or playing X-rated Twister?
Loryn Brantz / BuzzFeed / Via buzzfeed.com
Vaginas basically ~gush~ when they get wet — and squirting is no big thang.
You can get turned on without your vag turning into a waterfall, people.
@funkofficial / Via giphy.com
Annoying top/bottom stereotypes run rampant in slash fic, where the bottom is always the ~effeminent submissive one~ and the top is the ~macho alpha~.
Not saying that this kind of dynamic doesn't exist in queer culture, but c'mon, when you have to make a character act all OOC to fit a stereotype, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
pizza-is-the-key.tumblr.com / Via me.me
If there's a dick involved, it's always gotta be BIG AND AMAZING, THE PRETTIEST DICK YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
More average dick representation 2k18!!!
FOX / Via buzzfeed.com
Sex requires nooooo prep at all. None.
FOREPLAY, PEOPLE. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to clean up down there, and you could shove a dick or toy right in without having to ease into it, but that's not how it works! I don't care if it ruins your spontaneous frantic sex trope, you've still gotta go through the motions!
Bravo / Via giphy.com
And when it comes to first-time anal, it always hurts a ~bit~ at first, but then everyone's just GOOD TO GO. Bring on the pounding!
Then, they're always fiiiiiine after they bottom/receive anal for the first time.
Like, a dude can take a huge schlong for the first time ever (AGAIN, USUALLY WITH NO LUBE), and be walking around sitting down with no discomfort the next day. UM, IN YOUR DREAMS?
Killer Productions / Via buzzfeed.com
Penises are referred to as a number of horrible things, like their ~member~.
Also, the word "velvety" is FAR overused as a descriptor.
Fremantle Media / Via youtube.com
The vulva is referred to as “lips” or “folds.”
And it's always *shudder* slick.
LLCoolJVEVO / Via giphy.com
And it's pretty much always described as tasting SWEET or FRUITY.
If you're going down on a vulva, it's gonna taste like a vulva. DEAL WITH IT.
Fingers are called ~digits~, because apparently saying someone's sticking their fingers into something is too weird.
~He inserted his digits into...~
FOX / Via reactiongif.org
The phrase "thick ropes of cum" pops up more than is unnecessary, tbh.
WHAT KIND OF SPIDERMAN DICK ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH?
Columbia Pictures / Via reddit.com
Same with penises "leaking precum."
Is this...supposed to be sexy? Why the fixation?
—Anonymous
Nickelodeon / Via giphy.com
Refractory periods DON'T EXIST. People with penises can just go all night long, over and over and over again.
Idc how horny and into each other you are. If you've got a penis, you have to let it charge before round two or three or six.
youtube.com / Via tenor.com
In fact, multiple orgasms are pretty much the norm. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE IN FANFIC SATISFIED WITH JUST ONE ORGASM SOMETIMES?
ALWAYS SUCH A PRODUCTION.
Netflix / Via me.me
Ditto to simultaneous orgasms.
PSA, bodies are different and you can't just magically reach orgasm at the same time as your partner, no matter how convenient it is for the scene.
Comedy Central / Via buzzfeed.com
When someone with a vagina comes, their partner always "feels their walls clench around them" and it sends them both "over the edge."
Is there an instruction manual out there demanding that this is how orgasms MUST BE DESCRIBED?
Cartoon Network / Via giphy.com
When it comes to eating ass, THERE'S NO CLEANING UP FIRST. PEOPLE JUST DIVE RIGHT IN.
Like, I get it, everyone in fic has a squeaky clean butthole and would never have to wipe down before someone sticks their face in there, but REALLY. If anyone takes that at face value, they're going to wind up in some very shitty situations.
CW / Via myfacewhenever.tumblr.com
There's just. So much moaning. About everything.
Like damn, I wish someone massaged my boob so well that a moan escaped my throat before I could stop it.
Screen Gems / Via giphy.com
And lastly, EVERYONE FALLS ASLEEP AFTER AS THOUGH THERE ARE NO BODILY FLUIDS TO CLEAN UP.
I don't care how much you love cuddling and just want to fall asleep guys, just go grab a towel and wipe yourself down! You don't have to sleep on that wet spot! Love yourself!
—Kayla Morello, Facebook
USA / Via newnownext.com
Responses have been edited for clarity and/or length.
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